Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Sometimes I wish I could go back and re-live Clara's early baby days. Looking at her baby pictures brings back so many memories of pain and confusion and insomnia and just overwhelming grief. I wish I could go back, feeling how I feel now, and get to enjoy her tiny-ness, her newborn smell, those peaceful moments that I always dreamed of, but never got to enjoy. So much of those first few months I can't even recall, yet there are so many specific moments that I remember all too well. I know that Shannon was off of work for two whole weeks after Clara was born, but I have no idea what we did for those two weeks or any idea of what our days looked like, etc. I do, however, remember specific moments in time - specific feelings that now I wish I could forget. I remember weeping...no, wailing on the bed in the middle of the night because Clara would not sleep. I remember watching countless episodes of House Hunters and eating hundreds of Teddy Grahams in the wee hours of the morning, then weeping again because the sun was coming up and I had slept maybe one hour all night. Looking back, I'm not even sure if Clara was really crying all night or not. I am sure she must not have been, and Shannon can verify that fact. I honestly do not remember much about her at all in those days. I grieve for what I lost, but at the same time, I am so grateful for what Shannon, Clara, and I got to experience. We all toughed it out together. Do you remember that scene in While You Were Sleeping where the guy is saying how everything is so much better since he had the close call with death, even his ice cream? That's kind of how I feel. Not 100% better, but compared to where I was, 200% better. I'm not even sure if that makes sense, but in a weird way, it does to me.