Monday, April 11, 2011

Not Cloud Nine

A friend had a baby today. She and her husband were described as being "on cloud nine." I'm happy for them. I don't understand it, though. They say you don't know the feeling of having a baby until you actual have one, but I think I still don't understand. When Clara was born, my most prominent feeling was terror. Recovery was SO MUCH WORSE than I knew it was going to be, and this little tiny screaming thing didn't know how to eat properly. I didn't want to hold her. "Cloud nine" is definitely not how I would describe those first few days. I vaguely remember watching I Love Lucy in the hospital the night Clara was born. I don't know why I was even awake. Shannon was sleeping on the little cot next to me, Clara was in the nursery, but I was awake. I remember that my mom came to visit me the next day, and I remember how badly it hurt when Clara was nursing while my mom was there. I remember attending the new parents class with Shannon at the hospital and not paying much attention when when the instructor talked about postpartum depression. I always skipped that part in the books, assuming it would never be me. I remember coming home from the hospital. I remember lying down on the couch in exhaustion as soon as I walked in the door. We gave Clara a bath and she..ahem..."went" all over the white towel we used to bathe her on. What were were thinking, bathing her on a white towel? :P My parents and Naomi and co. brought us dinner that night. I couldn't eat a bite. I remember feeling very overwhelmed and going upstairs with Clara to feed her. I didn't come back down until after everyone had left. I wish that I could tear up and how beautiful my baby looked, how glorious it was to be back at home, and how amazing it was to have a little family. But, I tear up because I remember so well that feeling of confusion and overwhelming panic. It feels good to write about it, to remember.

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